I have been waiting to land at some place of completion that would give me the language to speak what needs to be spoken. The wait has become foolish, a trick of the old paradigm mind, which is being sloughed off. Right/wrong, reward/punishment based thinking doesn’t serve me. My mind wants so much to alight somewhere. For the moment, to awaken means to no longer alight anywhere. And at the same time, to stand my ground consciously, with intention. To live in perpetual uncertainty punctuated by moments of repose beyond what is certain or uncertain. This makes it difficult to write, because to write is to alight. And yet it is possible to write a light.
I am now in a world where I am given a picture of how my mind works, the overlay revealed in full length mirror reflection from several angles at once 24/7. For the first year or so of this ‘training’, I learned to read a language that uses impression and coincidence in a way that engages the attention differently from how it is normally engaged. Decades of inner work within the context of an esoteric school prepared me for this new form of training. To remove what disables one from self-knowledge is hard work. it took a master enlighten-er to give a distinct and practical meaning to the concept “self remembrance”. By his shamanic hand – and I mean this quite literally in a way I will someday share – I was moved to remember something deeply forgotten.
From the time of early childhood up until my twenties I was experimented upon in such ways that the memory was completely blacked out. Horrible things were done to me with the intention of probing into a wide (extreme) range of human experience and psychology. That this happened to me has been verified by a trusted friend who also happens to be a former NSA member. My stepfather was my handler, he worked for Army Intelligence and it was through him that both my mom and I were enlisted into this very special “service”. As my NSA friend said, things were done to me that no human being should do to another human being. He chose his words carefully, as he is adept at using awakening language in a way that is both cryptic and revealing. I have come to see that language as we tend to use it supports and perpetuates the dream.
My research has taken me into the realm of MK Ultra – the CIA project on mind control, and there is much material out there, including declassified documents, that addresses the nature of the experimentation. There are many reports – as I have been told, there are literally thousands of us experimented upon, involving major hospitals, schools, universities,and government buildings. My research has also taken me, by necessity, into the realm of the alien question. In and through all of this I have begun to piece together a background story. It is not my intention to educate you on any of this. I do recommend you inform yourself.
Well informed and applied spiritual practice prepared me for the integration of awakened memory. The rage and fear that I always felt beneath the surface now was given a raison d’etre, or so it would seem. Initially I was enraged at the US government, military, and its lack of disclosure. Angry at the poverty and ignorance that fostered the choices leading to the experimentation. MK Ultra, surveillance, implants, Wiki leaks, the Illuminati. I can look on my Facebook page and find more to corroborate the corruption that I have felt on a very intimate basis. My friend just cited a Harper’s magazine article on drug legalization in which John Erlichman, Nixon’s domestic policy advisor, said flat out that the Nixon administration had two enemies – “the blacks” and the anti war far left. By heavily criminalizing drugs, then using the media to associate marijuana with hippies and heroin with “the blacks”, they sought to disrupt any power these communities may have. This is how it works, evidently. And there is likely an equally calculated reason this article came out. Standing Rock? There is a deeper secret here, I will bet. The now obvious lack of disclosure about such projects as MK Ultra has been replaced by Wiki leaks and in a whole other realm that to my eye deeply connects all of this, the secret space program.
In a very real way, my past is of little consequence except insofar as it impedes the genuine experience of the present. My recent training has (often ruthlessly) brought to light habits of mind and identification that serve to perpetuate the sleep of conditioned response.. This in a way that has been unprecedented in my many years of spiritual work. Self pity is not allowed. I am forced to see what the past did to condition me, and special conditions are given to help in the change of trauma based habits. This is necessary, for to remember is to lose at a rapid rate many traits that had been in place for the purpose of hiding my secret from myself. Much like what will have to happen to the world at large if it is to undergo real change.
There is a lot in place simply because the world cannot face its own awakening. We as a race, the human race – you and I – must see our own predilection towards destruction of others and self. Our consciousness, in its state of identification with overlay stories tends to fulfill the impulses of territorial conquest and maintaining status quo over loving kindness toward the greater good and real change. You have to want to know yourself well to be exposed to the awakening conditions that will show you how deep this stuff goes, and just what you are doing to stay asleep.
To my view we are slowly being primed and tested through the media for a disclosure that is inevitable. I see some film and television productions considered to be fantastic entertainment might in fact be based on real events, and audience reaction is being monitored. While awareness of the issues has become a mandate for intelligent being, awareness of our awareness is even more critical. It is very difficult for me to believe that what is presented as news, even alternative news, isn’t some form of controlling contrivance, or a smokescreen that is hiding what is really going down. But I can’t settle on that difficulty of belief. A place beyond belief is called for. We are given the story of freedom of information via alternative channels, but like all phenomena, it is nonetheless illusory. And being socked into the story, any story, whether it is alternative news or your own treasure, without equal or greater attention of presence, effectively renders you asleep.
I don’t consider myself a conspiracy theorist, rather, an awakening human being with a burgeoning intelligence that has been given the advantage of compelling conditions for honing my critical faculty. I have much to say, extraordinary stories to tell. but all I will offer at this moment is a wisdom steeped in uncertainty.There is a big question mark where there used to be an exclamation point or period.
A methodically constant conflict of data that is of a distinct nature is part of my training experience. One result is question marks that resolve straight into the heart. Buddha, Jesus, and all those beautiful major dudes look a lot different to me. From where did this information come? I really don’t know anything but a story. How can I know that Buddha even existed? I can be shown artifacts galore, but there remains a question. And it doesn’t matter whether or not he existed. Some of what is present in the teachings of these great masters resonates in the heart unconditionally. This heart intelligence serves as a moment’s reference, refuge, sanctuary. The moment is the only real estate anyone ever has to claim.
If you have ever had all you buffers blasted off at once by shock, you may have witnessed, as I did, that the one watching was not sophisticated enough to come up with a reaction like rage. It simply was there, stunned into a state of simple, pure being. And as any major dude with half a heart surely will tell us, any minor world that breaks apart falls together again. After the shock and window opening moment of pure essential living, the reaction of fear and rage falls into place, or catatonia sets in.
We consider the horror that many people are facing with outrage that seems righteous. But consider the possibility that this kind of reaction, unchecked, contributes to the reality that produced the problem to begin with. That is what I have been shown through my own experience, anyway. Rage must be dealt with , not denied, but there are ways of dealing with it that feed awakening rather than perpetuating the nightmare. Namely, look deeper inside, check out your mind. Breathe into your moment. Use the energy to know yourself deeper than your temporary identification.
Do you know how you think, the patterns of your thought, how they came about? Do you know the hooks that capture your attention? Do you know how you make a story so real that it moves you to secrete the chemicals responsible for the sensations you feel? Even as you simply gaze at digital images on a flat screen? Can you smell your own adrenaline? Can you be sure that you were not triggered into having the reaction you had intentionally? That your rage or sadness or whatever feeling you can identify as a reaction isn’t displaced away from its genuine source within? Knowledge of self is power. Unconsciously being manipulated takes away the power that all your media information gives you.
I’ve been brought to an activism of consciousness, the 24/7 call of duty to awaken. It has meant the sacrifice of many cherished beliefs, identities, activities, of friends, family relations, and even spirituality as I once knew it. I have been blessed by the presence of angels who have supported this process. Awakening is by and large reductive as one is demolishing the overlay that impedes authentic being. One of my angels helped me to see what’s happening as construction of a valve that channels from the hugeness of all possibility to the microcosm of my particular facet of the great diamond. This over the destructive view that all the demolishing of matrix can foster. I am called to see things that pour tear salt into gaping wounds. But in so doing, I make real my freedom and power of choice toward authenticity. To make choices of genuine inner freedom can only serve the greater whole. The take away for now is to resist the urge to alight on belief and conclusion. Fly inwards toward the source of light.