I remind myself, when I remember, of how I wanted what I have. I recall saying conditions I longed for that I live in now. Even as I look to the sky with longing for yet another set of conditions.
Many years ago I remember being asked what it was I truly wanted. It was a heated moment and I used the heat to fuel my way deep in to retrieve the answer – I wanted all my acts to be of creation. Essentially, I wanted to be an endless creator. It was a wildly true response.
Long ago in my ongoing conversation with the great artist of the sky I said, let me live as an artist. I want to live a dedicated life. I want to know myself deeply, to wake up, and evolve. Let me live a life of good alchemy. Help me to love freedom. Help me to know how to best serve. Much demolition in my quest for creation. I’ve found stepping stones amidst the rubble and marvel at the changes known.
Sometimes it is so hard to know how to speak through the changes. A large painting I am working on presently is the most challenging of my life, and seeing my way through it is dependent upon the clearing process indicated in these changes. That doesn’t say it – nothing will ever say my life. I think being an endless creator, one must accept the quality of aloneness that the great artist of the sky must know. Nothing will ever say what happens in my studio, or in my heart. Nothing will ever say the mystery, and longing is at its core.
When I look up to the sky, I remind myself that I have received many conditions asked for and gratitude pokes through. It is all in the midst of happening even as I write words that won’t say it, this illumination I catch wisps of. The blurry forms I reach toward now mustn’t take shape until ready. Patience and faith are close friends of each other, and I court their alliance.