Reading back on my previous blog post, I am struck by the irony of its title – Reveal/Conceal. Two months have passed and in this time I was given back partial memory I’d blacked out of early childhood trauma. I had already gone through a similar process of unraveling years ago, but there is a whole other chapter to witness. I’m fortunate to have been given tools to help me see what I couldn’t before, to process and reconcile. Applying these tools, I can also see, even through symptoms of post trauma stress, that life, art, and consciousness are awesome.
Traumas can leave knots of energy that block, that form the basis for patterns of dis-ease.Once the trauma is confronted consciously, behavior patterns can become obsolete and have the potential to fall away if one is willing to hang out in a raw and undefined state. Whole chunks of my “personality” had been in place to keep me shielded from my own secret. Once the secret was out, there simply was no reason for some of my beliefs about reality and the behaviors they fostered.
There are holes in the reality fabric. It is a little more difficult to make strong definitive statements when one has taken a look behind the flimsy curtain from which they could be originating. At the same time I am given a deeper clarity into what is said in the Tao te Ching, “She who defines herself can’t know herself.” Gradually I am given my sea legs, learning how to operate with less definition, more diffusion.
Prophetic Memories, the painting shown here, is still a work in progress.It documents an event that took place in deep consciousness – of a mystical nature. I am using a painted montage approach and facets, fragments of impressions that are impossible to convey are given some representation as they are brought to a new abstract whole. In painting my attention is split many ways, as I bring cohesion to these fragments being explored. Engaging my attention in this way, weaving together these parts to a fresh whole on canvas, skill is developed that is applicable to the life process of recapitulating lost memory. What a beautiful thing! I have long seen that art forms are as perceptual tools, useful to evolution. Watching the subtle working of this is a tender experience.
Prophetic Memories precedes a larger painting project for the Tayu Meditation Center. The subject matter is esoteric and demanding, again treating something of a mystical nature. I am exploring techniques and mediums in Prophetic Memories that will be applied to this new project. Seems it is preparing the ground in the center of my chest just as much as it is informing me of technique.
I knew that working on this deep material would be purifying.The depths plunged along the way can be really tough, there have been moments when sorrow seems bottomless. But sometimes, like right now, when I see the calligraphy in the squiggly lines before me, there is a tasty fresh joy.